God brought me to a breaking point the other night - I could not sleep and was feeling all manners of miserable. I always do better to write down my thoughts, and so I did. I was originally NOT going to share it here, on a public forum, but what are we, if not honest with each other about our struggles? I certainly could use the accountability! For me, God used this exercise to bring me back to what I know to be true about Him.
There is no one here but You, and me.
I type with my eyes shut, tightly, and feel so very alone.
Cursed feelings. Blessed feelings.
My thoughts swirl violently, I am wide awake this night.
I’ve been doing it again – clinging to the illusion of control,
Irritated and Irritable
Making excuses for myself, blaming circumstances, taking liberties with my time.
Thinking more of others’ opinions than Yours.
Selfish and self-seeking
Full of pride
Despite these sins, my self-pitying sins
You are still here, still loving me, the same reprobate I’ve always been.
Still You are here, with Your open arms, Your Words of love
You have already forgiven me, already picked me up.
You will never leave,
And Your love never changed.
Not once did it falter, as my steps do – and if I’m really honest, as my love for You does.
You have drawn me back again. I am forever Yours; able, yet unable to resist Your gracious care.
Oh, Father God, I groan without words.
Your Spirit breathes meaning into my tearful nonsense.
Your Son intercedes on my behalf.
I am already whole.