This week I've been thinking. (I know, some of you are gasping in shock at that thought) I've been thinking of all the things I just "expect" to happen - I expect the car to always turn on, and carry me safely to my destination. I expect that the fridge will keep our food from spoiling and that there will be hot water when I take a shower or wash my hands.
As itty bitties, we expect to grow old, to be married, to have babies. When we do grow old, get married, and have babies, we expect those babies to follow the same pattern.
We expect that our paychecks will keep coming, and that if we're not stupid with our money, there will be enough to cover the mortgage, the electricity and even a few extras like a phone and high speed internet.
I expect things from others - that they will not lie, that they will be courteous and maybe even go out of their way to make things nice for those around them. I expect them to put their trash where it goes, and I admit that I take it a little too personally when they don't.
I expect to stay healthy, to be happy, and to merrily go along my way. I take it for granted. And then, something happens. I wake up with clogged sinuses or the microwave fritzes or I get a call from a friend whose parent or sibling or child is seriously unwell. And (depending on the severity of the "disaster") instead of taking it in stride, instead of accepting this unexpected turn in the road, I collapse.
Now I'm not so fragile that I physically collapse, or can no longer function. But inwardly, a war begins between what I expected and what is. An emotional reaction becomes a spiritual battle. I beg God to change it, to fix it, or just to tell me why. I plead with God to allow me to understand what He is doing, and even as the words tumble over themselves in their haste, the Holy Spirit is working in my mind.
I mentally concur that I don't REALLY want to know - that I really want to trust Him, to give back these details that are already His. I know intellectually that His Plan is the best. But the struggle between heart and head is so real, so painful at times that I am left feeling somehow shortchanged and very disappointed.
The only thing to do is to trust that this God who loves me and cannot lie will accomplish His best. It's not an easy thing to do - this exchanging what I expected for what is - in fact, it is agonizing. But I do know that my God is faithful and that whatever He chooses to accomplish in me, around me, or through me, is completely up to Him.
I can cling to Him tightly when the road takes a turn, and I know His arms will completely enfold me. Here, I am safe.