The Winner!

Thanks everyone, for your participate in the book giveaway! The winner is Carrie! I'll be emailing you soon!!

Please don't forget to pick up a copy of each of Adam's books (maybe drop a hint for Mother's Day!) or buy it for a friend!!

Happy Reading!

Book Giveaway!

A long time ago, I attended school in the north woods of Wisconsin, and there met Adam Blumer, whose fiction works are some of my favorite of this genre (Christian suspense). I've done a couple of interviews (here and here) with Adam over the years, and he contacted me last week upon the release of the paperback version of his second novel, The Tenth Plague, to see if I'd be willing to host a giveaway of his e-book! 

OF COURSE!

So, if you are in the US, and interested in receiving a free copy of Adam's e-book, follow these instructions: for one entry, comment on this post to let me know what your favorite fictional genre is.  For additional entries, "Like" Adam's author page on Facebook, and help spread the word by linking this giveaway on social media!  Then leave a comment letting me know which items you have done! The giveaway closes on Monday the 2nd! Also, don't forget to check out his first book, Fatal Illusions!

Diagnosis

About a month ago, I received a call that brought both relief and dread. I'm sure many other people have gotten such calls, but it was my first and I was not prepared for the odd mix of feelings.

Our middle son, Evan, has always been a little bit spacey (in a totally endearing way), but this school year, when he was required to do a lot more (it is first grade, after all), I started to wonder if his inattention was a little bit more than just typical childhood daydreaming. I started reading up and highly suspected absence epilepsy. We went to see the family doctor, who referred us to a pediatric neurologist. At the appointment, the doctor evaluated Evan, and although he had several "absences" in her office, she didn't seem to notice - he covered very well as he has done the entire time. She ordered an EEG to rule it out completely, but was fairly confident that the result would be no epilepsy.

Well, she called after the EEG to let me know that he did, indeed, have absence epilepsy, she estimated from his test results that he has been having about 6-10 absence seizures per hour lasting up to 7 seconds. The really good news is that most kids who have a later onset (in Evan's age group) grow out of the absences around the time they hit puberty, which is excellent news.  The bad news was that he will need to be on medication to treat the seizures for a minimum of two years or until the EEG results come back clear, then we will be able to try to wean him off the meds.

Now, I will admit, I balked at the idea of medicating him. I researched and read, and the list of possible side effects was dizzying. I talked to a pharmacist friend who recommended putting the list of side effects away and giving the medication a try. I'm so glad I took his advice.

We've seen a drastic improvement in Evan already, and, while I am sure there are challenges ahead, and more tests and evaluations and things I don't even know about, I'm both happy to know how to help him and thankful that we have an answer.

The Call to Rest

"These days with kids at home pass so quickly" I've often heard, in fact so often that when I hear them in the midst of them, I admit to rolling my eyes a bit and feeling a bit like a cartoon student hearing the "blah blah blah blah" of the teacher. I have definitely repeated a mantra of, "long days, short years" as a kind of balm over the worst of days, the ones where all the plans go out the window while you hold a sobbing child, clean up messes that ought to have been avoided, make dinner again because the first one flopped. But it is sinking in, a bit.

This past summer, on the first day of a mild August, the oldest of my children turned nine. NINE. It hit me harder than I expected as I made the requested LEGO Ninjago cake, that we are halfway "done" with the race to adulthood, and in reality, probably more than halfway. With the passing of the years, more things will pass - how many themed birthday cake years will I have left?! How many discussions about his LEGO creations do I have left? It got a little emotional as I carefully layered fruit rollups over the cake man's molded body. The process took longer than expected as I took frequent breaks to tend to my one month old baby, my youngest boy.

I admit I've enjoyed the youngest in these tender months a lot more than I was able to enjoy the others - maybe because PPD interfered with my firstborn's first year, and definitely because I had multiple small busy people to tend to with my second (7yrs) and third (4yrs) born children. This fourth, born last July, my beautiful bonus in my mid thirties, has me appreciating motherhood in new ways. And it's not just that I'm appreciating the baby stage more. I'm savoring each of my children more, feeling with them, more deeply.  I'm listening better. I'm more deeply convinced that building our relationships is the most important part of our homeschool days. Even amidst the burnout, I've been learning this.

Along that line, I've been reading a fantastic book about the concept of schole, or restfulness in our school days. Not restfulness as in relaxing and laziness, but restfulness as in peace, a calm assurance, confident faithfulness to the tasks at hand. Restfulness in the creation of margin, in freedom from over-filled days. I'm really looking forward to exploring more about how this concept will allow us to deepen our understanding of our academia and our other learning experiences here. I already feel that it will definitely strengthen our relationships with each other, which is one of the reasons we've chosen homeschool. I've got some awesome kids, and each day I forward to watching them bloom. I don't want to miss it.

One of my favorite quotes so far from this book is this one: "What if, instead of trying to make the most of our time, we worked harder at savoring it? What if we were more lavish with our time and more detached from our checklists?" (Sarah MacKenzie)

Yes, what if we ceased with the multitasking and used up all of our focus on one thing? How would that transform our days?  How would I be a better mom, a better wife, if I laid aside as many distractions as possible to listen, really listen, be present and engage? I would guess it would only benefit all of us.

So with renewed vigor, we begin. We are working together as a family to simplify our lives, so that we can restfully live, at peace, with purpose, deeply. I'll keep you posted. *grin*

Burnout

I'm a woman, a wife, a mom, a teacher. I've been more things and I've had fewer titles. I'm not a stranger to sleeplessness, or frustration, or discouragement, or any number of words that seem cliche to me when I say them out loud.

And now, I'm in a season of wading through the deep waters of discouragement. There doesn't seem to be a "good" reason - my family is healthy, we have what we need, there is no crisis. My marriage is amazing. Despite those not inconsequential blessings, the little things of life have compounded, and the littlest additions or subtractions have me often melting into a puddle of uselessness and tears. I have felt like a failure at just about everything and I'm not always (or ever) sure of what to change or do to make it better.

We've hit the Spring Slump in homeschooling progress. Our parenting skills need a refresher course in consistency and an update for maturing progeny. My house is a wreck and I feel like all I do is rush around in a fog of forgetfulness and unreliability. My best efforts end up failing. I'm losing things and losing it, both very much too often. 

Today, for example, my dishes are piled up like grimy soldiers returning from who-knows-where, my dishwasher has failed to clean the ones I carefully loaded this morning. The blade is out so I can clean the filter, but I can't find the star bit I need to loosen the screen and clean it out. I've lost my gumption for this task, so the parts have been laid aside and my dishes wait for the return of my husband and the magic of his knowledge of where the tools are. It seems like a little thing, and it is, but it derailed me. Now dinner will not be ready until later, children will clamor, and all the Things That Can Possibly Go Wrong probably will. I have turned into Eeyore because one element of my carefully planned day went askew.

Tightly wound, much?

I could say "If ONLY I had more sleep" but I wouldn't trade sleep for the baby snuggles. I could say "If only I had a cleaning lady" or "If only there was a perfect school for my kids so I wouldn't have to home school" but we've made other choices that I'm mostly happy for the trade off.

Really, it's not a problem with the dishwasher, or the lack of sleep - or even the postpartum hormones that make dealing with the normal ups and downs of life seem impossible. It is my primary struggle now (and looking back, always has been) about my perception of control. It's a problem with ME and one that (as God would have it) I'm trying to help my children understand - life is NOT about me and my agenda. I do not have to be in control or even know what's coming next. I can trust my Father. Enjoy the journey, He is in charge. Easy to say, so hard to live.

It's so easy to let the dark waters get you. SO EASY to wallow in weariness. So, SO easy. My brain yells "RETREAT!! HIDE!!! INTROVERT!!!"  But Someone is drawing me out, past the failure and past my ridiculous tears - I have a Savior who calls to me, the weary one. He calls me because His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. And he wants to bear my burdens, even the littlest ones. He calls me to come, rest, not just because His sacrifice has paid for my eternal life, but because His love compels me. He is enough.

This is the struggle, to trust Him. To teach my children to trust Him. To seek to see Him at work, to purposely give thanks. To see past my struggles, to realize the temporary nature of them and ask for joy, to ask for patience, to beg Him for grace for each moment. To understand that this is how He draws me closer.

Our church has been singing this new hymn lately. I learned it a couple of years ago, but I still can't make it through without tears.


COME, LONELY HEART (Text by Chris Anderson; Tune by Greg Habegger)

Come, lonely heart, to the outsider’s Friend—
To Jesus, Who seeks out the lost.
Your cruel seclusion has come to an end;
Find welcome, find home, at the cross.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace! 
Come, lonely heart, to the outsider’s Friend;
Find welcome, find home, at the cross.

Drink, thirsty heart, of the water of life—
Of bountiful, soul-quenching grace.
The world’s broken cisterns cannot satisfy;
The Savior is what your heart craves.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace!
Drink, thirsty heart, of the water of life;
The Savior is what your heart craves.


Rest, guilty heart, in forgiveness of sin—
In pardon from shame-stirring vice.
Though Satan and sinners and conscience condemn,
Your soul may be spotless as Christ.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace! 
Rest, guilty heart, in forgiveness of sin;
Your soul may be spotless as Christ.

Joy, grateful heart, in the hope you have found—
In God, Who is seeking your praise.
Then go to the outcast, that grace may resound,
For Jesus is mighty to save.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace!
Joy, grateful heart, in the hope you have found,
For Jesus is mighty to save.

El Roi, Jehovah Jireh

El Roi, God sees me. Jehovah Jireh, God is my provider.

These words, one of the names of God, were tossed around (in retrospect, almost casually) at college, every time some need was met - an anonymously paid school bill, a few dollars in the mail for laundry, a care package from home - "wow, man, Jehovah Jireh!" and I never thought of it as irreverent. It was a continual reminder of how God saw, and provided.

Looking back, it became so commonplace at that time of my life, I took for granted that God would provide. I mean, everyone knows college students have no money, and I suppose it could have been a strange type of entitlement, I'm not sure. All I do know is that I was trusting that everything would happen as God wanted it to.  And back then, when life was a little simpler, I expected God to show Himself and provide. I saw it readily, I praised Him often. Even for little things.

But then, we grew up (a little) and started adulting - bills to pay, budgets to balance, children to provide for, and jobs to work to bring in the money for these things. OF COURSE we understood that God is the one who provides the work, the money, the bonus jobs, but at the same time, it's really easy to start relying on yourself, to stop asking God for things.

You see the deep needs of others and pray instead for them, not wishing to "bother" with your "little" need. "I can do it, it's fine, we'll be fine." becomes an easy rut to settle into. And when you stop asking, sometimes you stop being grateful for those little things. Sometimes you become self-reliant. Sometimes you stop looking to see Him working in those same, simple ways. So a couple of months ago, I picked out one thing to pray about. It was a legitimate need, something we had forgotten about the need for replacing, and we simply didn't have the extra in the budget. I wanted to pray specifically so that I could watch God work specifically.

And this weekend, we were humbled by our Jehovah Jireh. This item that I'd prayed about for a couple of months was very unexpectedly taken care of - a friend called and asked point blank if this exact thing was a need. He said he and his wife had been asking God to show them how they could bless others, and that God had laid it on his heart, very specifically, very clearly, just like that.

I didn't know HOW God was going to choose to provide, or if it would be obvious or just through extra hours, through trivet + board sales, or other random earnings. I assumed it would be through work and earnings, not through a gift. I hadn't told anyone I was praying about it except for Michael and my mom. I know she was praying too.

But God chose differently, and now we have freshly tasted, seen, and experienced God's knowledge of our needs. He is reminding us that He is not "generic" Jehovah Jireh, He is OUR Jehovah Jireh.  And it is so humbling - to be reminded that not only does God see, and know, and love, and care, but He can and does provide - however and through whomever He chooses.

I have been so encouraged and challenged through our friends' prayers and obedience that I now seek to pray this way. My prayer? God, show me how I can bless others. Show me who, what, and how. Show me specifically, because I want to see YOU. Being on the receiving end of the blessing just makes us want to give what we can to others. It's a beautiful and multifaceted gift we've been given. All because of God's amazing grace.

So much grace.

Resurrected (and a birth story)

Or at least the blog has come out of a coma.

This blog, like other aspects of our life, kind of came to a standstill in 2013. I'm not sure what happened. Perhaps the housing transition proved too much. Perhaps Facebook took too much of my time. Scratch that. DEFINITELY Facebook. It's so easy to sit and blurb a word here or there to update the family or vent or post a picture of my kids, but there's really no record that is journal-like there. It's like two years have passed without record. There are no gradual home improvement posts. There are no newsy updates. There are many things about these two years that I didn't record here, and I'm really sad about that.

And Amos, our fourth-born child, simply doesn't exist on this blog. There are no posts about the blessings and pains of pregnancy and childbirth at age 35, no quips about the looks and questions you get from friends and random strangers when they realize that you're carrying a fourth.

So now, when Amos is seven months, I sit down to log his birth story. Because if you don't take the time, it gets away from you.

The pregnancy went pretty well, I had lost about 40lbs following Trim Healthy Mama prior to becoming pregnant so that was great. I had to work REALLY hard not to continue to lose while I was pregnant, and I had a rougher pregnancy in general than I expected. It turns out that I was accidentally glutening myself the entire pregnancy with a magnesium supplement containing brewer's yeast. Which explains A LOT of the aches and pains and brain fog and headaches!! I also had a lot of anxiety this time around, and I'm fairly confident it was due to the early pregnancy losses we have suffered. I really had to make a conscious effort to keep my thoughts focused during the days. At night I would wake with awful panic attacks, unable to breathe. These are small things to some but it was a pretty rough time for me over all. I am thankful that I wasn't bedridden and that the baby was totally find during all of this!

We decided once again not to find out the baby's gender, and nicknamed the baby "Disco" because all throughout the pregnancy, he would move like CRAZY at night; it truly felt as if he was breaking it down in my belly. It was NUTS.

About 12 days before my due date, I thought *THIS IS IT* and buckled down for some serious contraction counting. The contractions came fast and furious until they were about a minute apart and lasting about a minute, however, around midnight they tapered off and stopped. Not cool. And then, this kind of thing continued for 17 days.

I do not wish prodromal labor on anyone. It's awful. The worst part was how it messed with my brain. I mean, I'm a mom of FOUR. I'd birthed two babies at home by this point, so shouldn't I be aware of what real labor is? What was my deal? Was I losing it? Combined with the night waking and panic attacks, it was not fun. The midwife and her entire crew were over several times. It was embarrassing. We tried several maneuvers and hundreds of trips up and down the stairway sideways. No progress.

The morning of July 3, 5 days past my due date, I woke up with contractions, no surprise. I wasn't overjoyed, I was TICKED OFF. I made an appointment with a chiropractor to try to get things lined up and I just assumed that today would be the same as any other day. I texted my midwife and said "well, more contractions today!" and told her how grumpy I was. The chiropractor appointment was at 11 and I went shopping for a bit after that. Then I went home and spent some time praying that I would be able to persevere and not be grumpy about it. (this had been my prayer for about 2 weeks...) Around 1, I thought it was maybe different, but probably not, so my parents came to get the kids because that's what we'd been doing when it got to be too much for me to handle!

Around 3, I called Kelly (my midwife) because I knew something was happening. She called her team and headed over. I was uncomfortable and just so happy that things were progressing, but trying not to get my hopes up too much.

Well, things got pretty intense between the time I called and the time she arrived. And I think I was probably in transition within the hour after she arrived. Then I started feeling faint every time I had a contraction. This happened with Cadence's birth also, but UNLIKE that birth, resting between contractions wasn't doing it for me. I had to lie down on my side, which helped with the near-blackout-experiences, but I ended up giving birth while side lying, which I don't recommend. :-)

HOWEVER, when Amos was born, I cannot even tell you how happy I was to be holding that baby who had tried so long to come. We still had no name, but he was here, he was gorgeous, I didn't have much blood loss at all and overall the birth itself went really well. It was a trial endured for a moment (although that moment seemed extremely long). And the sweet rush of new motherhood washed over me with it's old familiar euphoria.

Amos means "carried by God" and Tobiah, his middle name, means "God is Good" and HE IS GOOD. I learned so many things about my God and myself through this pregnancy and birth. His plan is best, and perfect. Our thoughts cannot begin to nail down who God is and what He does in us and in the world.

And our Amos? Oh, what a joy. He has been the happiest baby, snuggliest little man, and so well loved by his older siblings. His grin will not quit. Cadey will be five shortly after Amos' first birthday, and watching my older children love on and interact with the baby has been such a gift. So many gracious and unexpected blessings have visited our family this year, and Amos is one of them.

Hopefully, I can continue to journal more blessings in the days and weeks to come!

annnnd September through February

So apparently I'm blogging every six months. I thought I had published more posts, but I also thought I was on top of blog post hackers who comment with phishing links. But I wasn't (I just took care of that).

We have a new house. It's a project. We have the kitchen and upstairs bathroom torn apart now, and it's not so bad, because we have about double the space in our former house, which we sold in October. We are so blessed.

And school is in full swing! We are loving Classical Conversations again this year!

Everything is behind. I am disorganized. It's getting better. But sometimes not. No one got any holiday cards this year, oops. They are still sitting in their orange shutterfly envelope, leering "Happy New Year" at me. Thank goodness I had a coupon code and only paid shipping!

I joined a MOPS group in a nearby town, and love it. It's nice to have support from fellow moms who love Jesus and their kids. It's nice to force myself into meeting new people.

Michael started a new side business selling Michigan shaped cutting boards and trivets. It's really fun to see him have fun being creative.

My other (maternal) grandma is in Heaven as of December, and I'm sure it's seemed like a second to her. As I hear of hurts, sickness, heartache and sorrow from my friends going through family and marriage struggles, cancer battles and financial distress, I long to be Home also. Until then, I cling to the One who created me and has a Purpose for all of what happens on this crazy planet.

He has been good.

May thru September: sort of a blur

May: oh, look! the end of the school year! woo hoo!

June: grandma very sick, grandma promoted to Heaven. House on the market. Offer in the first day, same day grandma goes to Heaven. Offer too low. Counter back and forth, no sale. One last update, never ending showings.

July/August: Thinking maybe we should have taken the "too low" offer after all. Nate and family come for visit, two weeks of pure fun. And exhaustion. Showing after showing. "awesome house. too small" yeah, that's what we said. grandma's memorial service, offer on house, things going wrong with house. Took the offer, repairs attempted and successful but more issues uncovered. Unexpected expense after unexpected expense. What?!?!! School is starting already!?!? FOUND A FIXER UPPER THAT WE CAN BUY! offer accepted, apply for loan, (far below our approval amount) and found out the laws have changed and the house has to be "complete" so there's a list of repairs here and repairs there and WOWSA. overwhelming. not sleeping well, not functioning well...it's crazy.

September: CC begins, great first week, cut down in my prime by the strep bacteria. Oh My Swollen Glands. A full week gone! We're getting back on track...

In all this, God works for us and in us! It's been a super time of learning and I'm sure there's more to come. I have to say I'm very excited to sign the papers and get this chapter over with!!  It has been really fun to get to know the older man who owns the new house. He is the original owner and such a sweet guy.  The new house needs a lot of work but upstairs it's a bathroom renovation and cleaning and painting.  I can handle that!! Downstairs we have visions of wall removal and wall creation, new flooring and bathroom renovation. But we'll have more space! and a partial basement! And the price is right for the neighborhood, so we should be able to make it work as far as investment goes. As heartbreaking as it will be to leave our "sweat and blood" house, and especially our lovely neighbors, we're very excited to have another project house. I'll be pinching myself when we sign the papers. There's just one thing.

The new neighbor has a lovely garden. And. A cottonwood tree.

You remember our 4' diameter cottonwood that we had removed just this year? And how greatly I rejoiced in the lack of sticky pods and messy branches. The hands raised in praise. The happy hallelujah dance. As you can imagine, I'm already plotting my "please remove that nasty tree" strategy.  A plate of sugar cookies decorated like tree slices, complete with age rings; a yule log cake with cottonwood bark...a chainsaw wrapped up with a bow.  Wink, wink.

I can't wait to post before (and after!) photos of the house! We've got lots of vision, at least!

O Pilgrim, Come

This song/poem has been a real encouragement to me lately.  I hope it blesses you!

O pilgrim come, here is the cross
Your pardon and your peace
Collapse upon the grace of God
Whose mercy is complete
O pilgrim come, here is the cross

O pilgrim come, here is the cross
Cast all your pride away
And earthly treasures count as loss
In light of all you gain
O pilgrim come, here is the cross

Here is mercy
Come be crucified with Christ
Here is mercy
Come be raised with Him to life

O pilgrim come, here is the cross
God's judgment on your sin
Drink deep the shame that leads to life
And broken enter in
O pilgrim come, here is the cross
O pilgrim come, here is the cross

O pilgrim come, here is the cross
And here your boast should be
What I could never do myself
My God has done for me
O pilgrim come, here is the cross

O pilgrim come, here is the cross
No other path attend
O here begin your journeying
And here your journey end
O pilgrim come, here is the cross
O pilgrim come, here is the cross

Written by Wes King and Douglas McKelvey

nobody tells you the real stuff anymore

I love being 33.  Love it.  There are really cool things about being older than I used to be, like seeing my friends with kids that look exactly like younger versions of themselves, and being able to say things like, "twenty years ago..."  There are lots of great things in my life that I have to be 33 to really appreciate.  However. When I was young, nobody said real things to me about my future as an older human.

1. Nobody told me that eyebrows all of a sudden go crazy.  Seriously crazy.  Well, they do.

2. Nobody told me about hair that looks like eyebrows growing from other places, places from which it probably should be removed, like chins (for example).

3. Nobody told me that pillow lines stop disappearing within the first 15 minutes of waking up.  I need at least half an hour, now, and I expect that number to continue to increase.

4. Nobody told me about the times that all of a sudden you start crying like a baby with absolutely no control.  It could be because you have a moment of clarity, or you see something sweet like an older couple walking and holding hands, or even super cheesy like a Hallmark commercial, or even something random like a leaf blowing down the sidewalk.  I think this is because of older-ness, but I could be wrong.

5. Nobody told me about sleep, and how precious it really is.  Nobody told me to relish the years when I could freely choose when and how and how long I could sleep.  They should have.

I know there are more, but...

6. Nobody told me about memory fritzes and just plain forgetfulness.  Seriously.  I need to get with the program!

You know you have things to add to this list...

On Expectations

I was thinking a little bit this morning about expectations.  We all have them.  And I can't imagine that Jesus' disciples were exempt from having expectations.  Of course, it's one of those things that you sort of have to speculate.

The speculation really isn't that far of a jump - even though Jesus told them with his own words that he would die and rise again the third day, the disciples couldn't believe it.  (Matthew 16:21-23) You know how we are - always with the self made plans, always with the crazy hopes that our plans will prevail in the face of God's sovereign plan.  We've seen it in ourselves and we can see it in all of Scripture - prophets and people of God hope through the end that their plans will be carried out instead of God's plans. Sometimes begging Him to follow this - our - plan.

Jesus came into town on a donkey and people formed lines to see him and shout "Hosannah!" and were very excited to call Him King. At the end of His triumphal procession, He went on a temple rampage and got rid of all the corrupt vendors.  He healed people who came to Him, and the Pharisees were outraged when Jesus called them out in ways that no one else would dare. I'm sure the disciples thought they were going to be part of a gigantic political overthrow - it's really not that far of a leap, at least not logically.  Sure, Jesus reminded them that He was about to be crucified, and even gave them a time frame, but it's hard being human.  And it's really hard letting go of those expectations.

And then, a few days later, Jesus was dead, just like He promised.  Talk about a roller coaster of highs and lows. I can't imagine experiencing that kind of confusion and disappointment. The things that went on in the disciples minds - well, I imagine they were conflicted.  Wanting to trust the Savior and uncertain of their future, perhaps in fear for their lives - it must have been horrific.

Then, the resurrection.  Jesus defeated death; the tomb was empty.  He is ALIVE.

And suddenly the plans of God were made a little more clear.  Jesus was who He said He was.  The message of the gospel was validated.  The disciples had a mission, and carried it out.  They knew.

I know I have expectations, big and small.  Of how things should be, of how much I should have to pay for something, of how elected officials should act, of which laws should be passed, of who should be allowed to live, of who should be brought to justice, of who should be advocated for.  And sometimes my "plans" happen, and sometimes they don't.  I'm not always okay with this.

But I need to be okay with this, because I am not God.  I do not see things from His viewpoint;  I do not know His plans. Sometimes I get to see a little glimpse of what He's doing.  And that is - thrilling!  He DOES promise that He loves us; He promises to take tender care of His children. He has proven Himself faithful.

A lot of times I don't know anything about His plan. He doesn't promise that I'll go through life without disappointment, without pain, without being witness to or victim of injustice and suffering, or that everything will be great.  He doesn't promise the success of our nation, of our economy;  in fact, He doesn't promise the success of anybody but Himself. 

But there is something thing I can be sure of: God wins, and we will all worship Him. 

In the end, God wins.  And between now and the end, it's not about me or my plans, or my expectations.  It's about God and HIS plan. 

Does this mean I don't fight injustice, or stop advocating, or petitioning? Certainly not.  Does it mean I just flop into a doormat or float along doing nothing to fight against evil? NO.  But my foundation has to be sure. And my expectation has to be HIM.  I have to trust, knowing that if God wants to use something I don't get, it is really okay.  He hasn't forgotten. Nothing has escaped His notice.  It is ok.

It is MORE than ok.  He's Alive, He is Risen, He has conquered death and the grave.  He has an awesome plan, beyond my wildest dreams.  I am expecting Great Things.

Allergic Reaction

I took Cadey for an allergy skin test.  She's not allergic to anything (even though she may still have gastrointestinal sensitivities that would explain symptoms but not show up on this test).

But I am allergic to something, or rather, someone: the doctor.  And I will NOT be going back.

The conversation went something like this.

Doc: Tell me more about why you came
Me: Well, the family doctor wanted to rule out allergies as a cause for Cadey's rashes
Doc: OK, tell me about the rashes, how long to they last?
Me: it varies, totally unpredictable.
Doc: does she react to other things? Soap? Lotion? Did she react to her baby shots?
Me: It doesn't seem like it, and she hasn't had shots yet so I don't know
Doc: Why not?
Me (really not wanting to get into it): oh, there are lots of reasons.
Doc: Like what?
Me (big sigh): just lots of reasons
Doc: well, what are they?
Me: I've done quite a bit of research...
Doc: *sarcastic and cutting me off* Oh, I didn't realize you were an epidemiologist.  What is it that you do?
Me: silently stewing.

Later...
Doc: so have you ever seen a polio patient?
Me: silent
Doc: HAVE YOU????
Me: no (stewing and thinking, really? polio?)
Doc: well, iron lungs are coming back, they're bringing them back - you might want to look into that and change your mind.
Me: silent  (willing myself to be silent) *checks out*

The rest of the appointment was a total disaster.  The doctor over-explained each test with great speed and technical terms, concluding each explanation with a disparaging, "I don't know how much of that you can understand" when I would ask a simple process question.  It was horrible and I just wanted to escape.

Really, it's just another point against doctors, a group which I *try* to evaluate individually and with grace.  Every experience like this makes me generally more distrustful.  It's really unfortunate, and makes me MOST thankful for our doctors who do not act this way. So, because I was not prepared to discuss it then, I am now writing one of those pointless open letters. OK maybe catharsis is the point.

Dear Doctor,
If you don't want to hear my answer, it is not acceptable to push me into answering just so that you can cut me off.  Also, it is not ok to use sarcasm in your office toward anyone.  It is not professional; it's also very unkind and almost always ineffective.  Third, you do not know me, and yet, you are making assumptions about my intelligence. This does not make me value your obvious intelligence or years of expertise more.  Fourth, if you truly think I can't handle researching to decide if or when I should vaccinate my children, why would you assume that I can handle researching iron lungs?

Lastly, if you are going to try to convince me of the need to vaccinate, please use something that is a little more of a known and proven risk than a wild polio outbreak in an Amish community almost 34 years ago.  Maybe you could site the whooping cough outbreak in California in 2010 or Washington State just last year, or the 3 cases of measles last year that "really had Michigan doctors worried."  Perhaps you could regale me with horror stories as other doctors have done. Maybe that would be more effective.  (But probably not.)  Remember: honey is more effective than vinegar.

I will not be back to your office.

Sincerely,
Jenny

There is A Hope

There is a hope that burns within my heart, that gives me strength for ev'ry passing day;
A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part yet drives all doubt away
I stand in Christ with sins forgiv'n, and Christ in me, the hope of heav'n! 
My highest calling and my deepest joy; to make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head, a consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit, I find the Savior there!
Through present suff'rings, future's fear, He whispers 'courage' in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms, and they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time, that lifts my eyes beyond the beck'ning grave
To see the matchless beauty of a day divine, when I behold His face!
When suff'rings cease, when sorrows die, when ev'ry longing satisfied,
Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul, for I am truly home!

Stuart Townend, c 2007 ThankYou Music

You can take a listen to the song here, although it is in scorch format so you'll have to sing along yourself!

Tropical Traditions Winner!!

Congratulations to Alicia, the winner of the Tropical Traditions giveaway!

Thanks so much to all who entered! 

Tropical Traditions (a Giveaway!)

I LOVE cooking with coconut oil.  I love doing hundreds of other things with coconut oil also, but cooking is my favorite, especially since our health journey has led us toward more traditional and whole foods, and our food sensitivities have led two of us away from dairy (for the moment).  Coconut oil is a fantastic substitute for butter and usually works for shortening.  It always works as a substitute for canola, corn and vegetable oil in recipes (which is a big plus for us - I won't get into it here, but trust me, there is a lot to be said about fats and health and which ones are best).

Tropical Traditions has been my go-to source for excellent quality coconut oil. The bonus with this company is that the customer service is fantastic, shipping is very quick, and the quality is very consistent.  I am happy with their ethical farming practices, and when I purchase in bulk, the prices are great! They also have a great referral program - if you choose to order through my link (see sidebar), and you are a first time customer, I get a credit! Yay! At first I started with their Gold Label Virgin Coconut Oil, and then as I also needed something without the coconut flavor, I added  their expeller pressed coconut oil to our pantry, which is completely unflavored.  We use the expeller pressed for frying and sauteing, roasting vegetables, and more.  The Gold Label is sooooo delicious in baked goods - I am a huge fan of coconutty brownies and cupcakes!

If you've never used coconut oil before, it's important to know this - coconut oil is solid at temperatures under 76 degrees!  Around here, that makes it pourable in the summer and solid in winter.  It's also important to know that you should melt it before adding it to recipes! (ask me how I know! ha!)

 

Win 1 quart of Gold Label Virgin Coconut Oil!

Tropical Traditions is America’s source for coconut oil. Their Gold Label Virgin Coconut Oil is hand crafted in small batches by family producers, and it is the highest quality coconut oil they offer. You can read more about how virgin coconut oil is different from other coconut oils on their website: What is Virgin Coconut Oil?

You can also watch the video they produced about Gold Label Virgin Coconut Oil:

Tropical Traditions also carries other varieties of affordable high quality coconut oil. Visit their website to check on current sales, to learn about the many uses of coconut oil, and to read about all the advantages of buying coconut oil online. Since the FDA does not want us to discuss the health benefits of coconut oil on a page where it is being sold or given away, here is the best website to read about the health benefits of coconut oil.

Here's how to enter (open to the US/Canada):
1. Sign up for Tropical Traditions Newsletter (this one is required)
2.  Leave a comment telling me whether you have tried coconut oil before
3. For bonus entries, "Like" Tropical Traditions on Facebook, follow on Twitter (@troptraditions and @ttspecialdeals or Pinterest 

You MUST leave a comment telling me which items you have completed.  (one comment including all of them is fine). Giveaway ends one week from today!  (Next Wednesday, Feb 27th @midnight EST)

Tropical Traditions provided me with a free sample of this product to review, and I was under no obligation to review it if I so chose.  Nor was I under any obligation to write a positive review or sponsor a product giveaway in return for the free product.

I'm not the (only) crazy one

This morning, I was instructing a first grader and a preschooler on different grade levels, different subjects, simultaneously. One child thought his work too hard, the other too easy.  They complained loudly, we discussed that. The baby, who had woken too early and then avoided her morning rest, sat screaming at my feet, folding herself in half and lying her forehead on the floor and weeping out the largest most pathetic tears she could muster, and the phone was ringing.  My espresso machine was steaming out it's "I'm done" song and I just wanted to crawl back in bed.  There are other things on my mind, which makes everything less manageable.

The van needs repair, there's something scheduled tomorrow that I still haven't quite figured out with no van.  We keep cycling through the sicknesses and fevers and dishes and laundry and dust and there's a washing machine repairman coming today to replace the gasket.  I'm getting ready for a Pampered Chef show and hoping I don't forget lists and games and catalogues! Oh my! (such giant first world problems)

Life is messy, and it just gets messier. There are big issues, hurting people, broken and bleeding and waiting for hope and help, and those who have given up hoping and waiting.  There are big hurts, big questions, big unknowns. That big-ness wins over my supposed, and sometimes self-inflicted issues.

Still, it is ok for me to freak out a bit and get a little crazy.  Because it's those little moments of crazy that help get me to the point of growth.  That help me take a millisecond to refocus, to just breathe.  When I breathe, and focus, there are moments of pure amazement, glittering with clarity. Moments that I can see God, and remember His glory, and all that is important.

Mostly I just need those reminders that I am HIS child, chosen for This Task, made up of these tasks.  And it's going to be all right.  Even when I'm overwhelmed by the ridiculous and mundane, even when things get worse than merely overwhelming. And especially when I think about how crazy and messed up and tragic things are in other parts of Earth.  Any little things that I'm stressed about now will work out, and if not, they won't. But I don't need to add contrived guilt to my overwhelmed, and my crazy.  I don't need to panic. I need to let go.  And run to Him, and breathe in and out, and trust.

God is here, and He is there. In your crazy beautiful mess.  In the ugly. In the hopeless. For the tired, the lonely, the alone, the weary and depressed, the abused, the fainthearted (and yes, even the slightly crazy). He says, "Come to me. . . and I will give rest. . . to your soul."

bedtime at our house

this is not my first confession

Facebook makes me feel social, but really nothing could be further from the truth.  I want to be the kind of person with a revolving front door and a smile and maybe even baked goods for every surprise visitor, but really, at least ninety percent of the time, I'd rather just curl up with my husband and kids and a book and shut the world out.

I love adventures; dream of worldwide travel; it's not that I hate new things, or change.  It's far worse.

I have never really learned how to make friends.  I grew up with them built-in, through the magic of my small parochial school, the one where I knew all my classmates from 4 years and on, my family and my one brother, and my church, with many of the same friends that I had at school.  I am just now realizing what a huge problem it is that I don't know how to make friends.

I am painful at it, really. 

I've run into people, as we all do; people with kids who are also playing on the same playground equipment as my kids, people who look very nice and far more normal than I.  And I sit with paralyzed tongue, waiting for who-knows-what.  I overcompensate by smiling too much, in silence, which I'm sure has an entirely-not-what-I-intended creepy effect.

College was different - being thrown into a new situation, knowing no one, and (eventually) I did fine and made friends, and it was great.  Since then, it's been different.  I have made a few *new* friends over the years, but all of them are SUPER at making friends. They smile, they come up with some topic of conversation that doesn't sound weird at all when it comes out of their mouths (as do my first attempts at conversations with strangers).  All of a sudden, we're talking normally and we're friends, and it's great. We really don't have to have much in common at all - it's easy once those first few conversations are started.

Seriously, what is the DEAL? I worked in customer service for years (admissions counselor, office assistant, receptionist, etc) and loved it!  I was a classroom teacher! I'm a Pampered Chef consultant!  All of those situations are fine - put me in front of people to do public speaking and I'm not really that nervous.  One on one for no specific reason?  I turn into a blob.

I think this problem is made 100% worse by the fact that I can't concentrate on anything when I have my kids with me - trying to make sure that the baby doesn't get into trouble and the boys don't take off or take their clothes off or anything in between takes every brain cell. 

I am trying to be better.  I joined a Bible Study a few years ago to try to meet people out of my comfort zone, and the study was great, and I did meet people!  I have also met some really nice people through our new home school group.  I still need some how-to-make-friends tips, or some lessons.  Play dates still give me a minor case of panic.  But I'll be fine, right??  Baby steps!  If that doesn't work, I'll just get some therapy like this.

SO.  Got any tips for me, or confessions of your own?

Recent Happenings

Aaron finished his first grade reading curriculum - hurray! We had a party to celebrate - with cake! and grandparents! and spaghetti! He really enjoyed the special night.

We got just a little bit of snow - this isn't an accurate measurement.  Most people around here measured 12 inches.  :-)  Maybe I just measured too early!  It's our first big snow of the year!

we played outside with the neighbor kids!

we had "hot vanilla" with strawberry heart marshmallows

Cadey is a sad sick little baby

She really *wants* to eat the sausage.  Find the energy, girlie!

 We are all VERY ready for the sicknesses to leave this house!  I got so desperate that I opened the house (in 30 degree weather) and turned on the fans while the kids were resting yesterday, and Lysol-ed all the doorknobs and handles.  This afternoon we disinfect the bedding and curtains and vacuum some more.  We really are weary of this illness making continual house calls to our address!!