Operation Grocery Budget: April 2019 Report

It’s confession time - as of Monday, we are something close to $200 over budget in the grocery category. *peeks sheepishly out from behind my hiding spot* I know why...there are actually several reasons, but the chief one is that you can’t stick to a budget if you delay the “log receipts” step.

It snowballs.

So while we are over budget the second month in a row, I am learning things. I have learned that when life gets hectic, I don’t always cut out the right things. I chose to cut out entering receipts in the budget app, and it definitely got me! May is going to be pretty crazy for us, but I’m determined to do better at entering receipts in a timely manner. I’m still learning the lessons I’ve learned the past few months, too, about planning well and saying no and staying out of the stores as much as possible and I realize how *very* privileged we are to actually have flex at all in the budget.

I also really do need to keep my eye on the big picture. I’m still spending *significantly* less than I did last year on  groceries every month. That is something to be happy about! My $550 a month goal is pretty low for a family of six with food sensitivities and allergies...but I still want to get back on track and stick with it tenaciously!

I have to admit, this post is one I didn’t want to write! I succeeded in feeding my family’s healthy and varied diet, but I lost track of expenses. Failure to meet my goal is not my favorite thing! Solution? Very soon, we will be signing up for a link to bank account option for our budget app, which will alert us to categorize spending, and I really do think that will keep us on track much easier.

Another part of the big picture is saving for our future home renovation projects. And while I spent $200 extra in the grocery category this month, we were still able to put money in our project fund. I’m very excited about the interesting ways God is allowing us to continue doing the saving portion of this goal. He provided a giant order for our cutting board business, and we are very excited about the growth of the project fund. It was a bit of a sermon type lesson, actually,  that I got loud and clear! I am continually reminded that even when I am unfaithful in my tasks, it doesn’t change the faithfulness of God. I will keep failing, not only at little things like money managing steps, but at bigger things, too. There  is always grace. We fall down, God helps us back up.

So, May, I’ve got my eye on you! It’s going to be tricky, but I’ve got tricks up my sleeve too!

2019 Easter Update

Spring is full of fresh hope. The crocus, tulips, daffodils poke their green and red points through the earth, through last fall’s forgotten leaves, and delight us with their colors and soft, hopeful faces. We are reminded that although the winter can be long, hope and spring will rise up again. It is a physical representation of the hope we have in Jesus, who rose from the dead so that we might have eternal life. He will come again, and will bring justice and then peace. We long for that day, as we have longed for spring through the dark and cold winter! We hope you are celebrating His resurrection, too!

Our family has had a year of rejoicing in hope! God has been good and gracious to us!

Aaron is 12, and has recently (February) had some opportunities to grow in his faith through a medical crisis. He was diagnosed with MRAA septic arthritis of the hip which caused significant pain and required surgery and a 10 day hospital stay in Grand Rapids. We are so thankful to have been guided along each step of the way and are thankful God allowed us to find the proper care in appropriate time. He has been completely cleared to carry on normal activity and is back at volleyball! He is in 6^th grade at Zion Lutheran School and has enjoyed soccer and basketball along with volleyball. This year he has also taken up the trombone to add another instrument to his brass skills. We are so amazed to watch him growing and maturing physically and spiritually.

Evan is 10, and Jenny is enjoying having him at home for school this year for 4^th grade. He’s doing a mix of video classes and parent-guided classes and enjoys writing stories, reading books, learning about science and history, and creating pretty much anything he can dream up. He’s completed his state quarters collection, and is now working on the National Parks series. He keeps us laughing a LOT and is just a great guy to have around. We are often surprised with the depth of spiritual understanding he has been given.

Cadey, age 7, is a first grader at home and is really taking off in her reading skills. She enjoys informal art classes with a friend who lives nearby, nature class at the nature center, and she just finished her Sparks book in AWANA. She is an excellent organizer and wonderful sister, often leading the adventures for both of her fellow brother-pupils. We are delighted that she seems to be a good mix of sweetness and spunk, and pray that God will continue to grow her into His image.

Amos is already three, with a birthday around the corner this July. Time flies with all of our kids, but it really does not seem possible that this little person has been in our family this long. He keeps us in stitches with his antics and funny faces, and has completed all the necessary training to be considered a “big boy” which is a very happy ending to an era. He loves his older siblings and is quite content to be around them in any way he can. He’s also learning a lot at home, even though we haven’t formally started school. We pray for Amos that his heart will be captured by God at an early age.

We are thankful that we get to keep working with the junior high teens at our church, leading the youth group on Sunday nights and the 7^th & 8^th grade small group Bible studies on Wednesdays. We have a great group of youth staff serving with us and are excited to be a part of the teens’ lives. God is doing amazing things! Michael is a deacon this year as well, and while we need to do more of it, have enjoyed having our group over for some fellowship times. It’s really hard to express how deeply grateful we feel when we stop to consider all that God has done and all He allows us to do.

Michael marked fifteen years with Bright Construction this past October, and we had another successful year with Trivet + Board. We are planning to scale back on Trivet + Board shows a bit this year so that we can forge ahead on some home improvement projects.  We’d love to see our fixer upper make some substantial forward movement this summer! Jenny works very part time delivering groceries with Shipt, and the two of us continually celebrate the joy God has given us with a happy marriage – this December will be our sixteenth anniversary! What a gracious gift.

We are constantly amazed by God’s great love for us, His blessing us beyond what we deserve, walking with us through the hard times and guiding us when we don’t know exactly what is next. Please pray for us as we navigate uncertain waters of parenting, school choices, health, vocation, daily living…but most of all, pray that we will trust in the goodness of God and in His good plans for our family. This is how we are praying, trusting that He will continue to lead us! He is our HOPE, and we REJOICE!

Our love and God’s blessings to all of you!

Michael & Jenny, Aaron, Evan, Cadence & Amos Muth

Operation Grocery Budget: March 2019 Report

 A big wahhhhhh as March closes in the red. 

As of this posting, we are $50+ over budget. I think there might even be another receipt or maybe even two that I haven’t entered yet, but the truth is I just got careless in March in a lot of ways. We actually had a lot more food waste than I typically like to have. Throwing away perfectly good food that we just *didn’t get around to eating because I bought too much* is a shameful reminder of our privilege. I’m human, we make mistakes, so the food waste is giving me a firmer resolve to ask myself the hard questions every.single.shopping.trip and say no unless it is something we will use quickly.

Best purchase: a delicious bag of Cara Cara oranges.
Worst purchase: nasty tropical flavor fruit snacks
Fun find: gluten free General Tso’s chicken from ALDI. Not healthy, but fun for at home date night.
Old favorite: ALDI’s hummus - 5/6 Muths love. My favorite is pine nut.

Screen shot of shame:

And now, I’m moving on. Here’s to a healthy relationship with the grocery budget, the food we buy, our gratefulness, and our goals for perseverance! 

Operation Grocery Budget: February 2019 Report

February was...unexpected. The very first day of February, we headed to Grand Rapids with Aaron. February 2nd, he had surgery, and we stayed at the hospital until February 10. He was diagnosed with MSSA septic arthritis of the hip and we had a long stay 2.5 hours from home for recovery and IV antibiotics. The latest update is that he's been cleared of bacteria in his blood, and if everything goes well, will be playing volleyball with his team this season. Blessings!!  Grandparents are AMAZING to drop everything to take care of our other three children, and we had lots of other support. What a blessing - support from family, church family, and friends is not something I take for granted. It 100% shocked me how willing people were to step in and do something practical to help us - SO humbling and thoughtful!!

SO...what you really came for - the grocery final totals. I just finished entering a few final receipts and couldn't help but laugh at our total. We spent a lot more money than we would have normally that first few weeks of the month, between groceries delivered to our kids and parents at home, to the hospital... you don't even want to see our "restaurant" budget category. YIKES. (we didn't find out until we'd already been there 5 days that we had a fridge in our room. Oh boy...) So I didn't really have high hopes for staying below budget in this category, but - I guess we did! Even though we weren't able to be quite as careful with our spending as we normally would be!

Meals, gift cards, money for gas, financial gifts, and Starbucks cards all made our burden lighter! Our kids also benefited by seeing the power, faithfulness AND PROVISION of God in times of difficulty - something that never would have been possible without the difficulty itself. We have all emerged *more grateful* people. His graciousness to us is astounding.

Also - where would we be without a budget? This month marks TWO years of using our budgeting app - I can't believe it's been so long or that I was so hesitant for so long. The thing about budgeting is that it isn't really meant to be set in stone tablets or anything crazy. It's meant to be flexible and meant to work for YOU. It's just a plan, not a prison sentence. It only benefits, it doesn't bite. We definitely took advantage of the need for flexibility this month!

I'm excited to keep going with the grocery budget challenge - maybe we won't meet the big goals that were the original catalyst for the challenge, but knowing we can comfortably and healthfully stay in this price range for now makes me excited for whatever the future holds, whether or not we get to realize our big goals or whether God has something else for us.

Thanks for following along on our operation grocery budget journey!

Operation Grocery Budget: January 2019 Report

We have made it to the end of January, and here's the screen shot from our budget app! We wound up under budget by $21.08, although I suppose the day isn't quite over yet. Ha!

Biggest help to me this month was this question: "Do we need this NOW?" More often than not, I realized I was buying for future need rather than immediate. It saved lots of money. I'm also noticing that instead of a jam-packed freezer and pantry, we have room to move things around and use them much more easily. Excess creates problems more than solutions. This lesson is effecting the rest of our home as well. 

I did notice some other things - 

1. We could have said no even more often than we did this month, especially that Kroger purchase last night - but to be quite honest, I didn't want to get out in the polar vortex that will be the rest of this week! So I picked up things like cereal, and cans of pantry items that are super basic but will allow me to make some of our favorite quick meals without "needing" to get creative.

Wondering about that $1.55 purchase? I chose not to say no to that purchase at ALDI. Mama needs her half and half for the winter storms and multiple snow days in a row necessitate proper caffienation. 

2. I have to decide what to do with the "excess" budget money.

I kind of vote for rolling it over - so that if I want to make a bulk purchase I can, or for those months when we run out of all the non food essentials at once...or maybe that is just our house? 

3. I still have far to much food in the house. I guess in some ways this is a good thing, and in some ways it probably means I still need to buy less. 

In fact, this whole exercise is teaching me that I am amazingly blessed with abundance - that I can be more creative than I think, and that my defaults need to be reset - instead of buying more, I can ask myself if there is a creative alternative. 

Yesterday, for example, I pulled some turkey tenderloins out of the freezer, a bag of gluten free stuffing from the pantry, and some frozen brussels sprouts and home canned green beans. It felt like thanksgiving, especially since I'd made broth the day before in the instant pot that could easily be made into gravy, but I had no potatoes for mashed potatoes that (most) of my kids love. So instead of going and buying potatoes, I grabbed a bag of diced frozen potatoes and cooked them up and what do you know, they made fluffy mashed potatoes! I probably wouldn't have tried that before. We had a nice time as a family, thanking God for all that He has done.

Operation Budget Cuts is going great so far! We will keep going until it stops working for us! 

Operation Grocery Budget: 2019

This year, I’m determined. My grocery budget will help us instead of cripple us.

We are a family of 6; two adults, four kids - 12,10, 7 & 3. Two out of four kids regularly eat like full grown adults. 4/6 of us need to avoid eating gluten and I try to follow the Trim Healthy Mama way of eating. We live in Michigan. Today, milk prices are just over $1/gallon and eggs are around $1/dozen. Other things vary, but I feel like as a whole, our food costs are generally lower than the national average. Our grocery budget has been steadily climbing over the last several years, but I knew we were eating healthy so I justified the cost.

However, we are a one main income family with a couple of side hustles to make ends meet - and we have some big goals. We just hit the five year mark on owning our second fixer upper, and the project list has some urgent items looming. We want to try to save this year to pay cash (or mostly cash) for a new roof (and possibly framing in an addition) so I am extra motivated to get our grocery spending down to a minimal number.

I’m shooting for around $550/month which will include paper products, laundry supplies, and everything household related. I don’t know if we can do it but I’m hoping to journal this year here to keep a record.

We use the Every Dollar app to plan and track our spending in every category. If you haven’t ever done a budget or a spending plan, let me encourage you to go for it! Such an awesome way to really get a handle on what is going on with the money God has provided for you to steward. If you’re not a fan of big name financial personalities, that is just fine, you’re with me, but this app is very easy to use and synchs easily between devices so it works great for us. ANY plan is better than what we were doing before - the “just don’t spend money” plan. Ha!

As anticipated, January has been pretty easy - we started with a HUGE food supply in our pantry and freezer - I mean absolutely embarrassing. This means this whole project may get harder and harder as we go and run out of things. Here are some steps I’m planning:

- eat more meatless meals.
- buy meat on sale and divide and freeze to keep our freezer stocked.
- use grocery pickup services to keep impulse buys to a minimum
- shop from what we have first.
- meal plan (for me, continue)
- buy less pre packaged stuff and only allow packaged snacks for on the go eating.
- simplify our eating - we don’t need countless choices.

So far in January we are doing great. The fridge and freezer are in great shape, the pantry has plenty of staples to keep us going, and the adjustment is going pretty well. Stay tuned for the month-end report!

On the weightiness of parenting.

I wrote this a year ago, and found it in my drafts today. 

Something I’ve been pondering: when someone accepts Christ “against all odds” and turns her life around, we don’t credit the parents. But when a child grows up in a Christian family and chooses to go his own way as he becomes an adult, suddenly all eyes seem to be on the parents. Judgy, condemning, “What did you do wrong” eyes. 

People. No. Stop it. 

Parenting is the scariest thing I have ever done. This is why: the work is pretty well laid out, at least in the basic format, (love them, guide them, point them to Jesus) but the “results” are largely out of my control. In other words, there’s no formula that guarantees that my kids will turn out how I intended. There’s no formula to guarantee success. As with everything else a Christian is called to do, we are required to remain faithful, obey God, work hard, and leave the results in God’s hands. As with almost nothing else in life, the stakes are higher, the investment more intense, and the emotional toll is at an all time high. 

Any good result is a direct result of the Holy Spirit’s power and the grace of God. So why, why, why do we as humans take the credit for ourselves (or assign it to another set of parents) when their adult (or adultish) children “turn out right”? 

And why do we judge when another child decides to take a path that leads them away from God and everything they were ever taught?! 

I understand there are principles here, faithfulness, sowing and reaping, and all of that. And we absolutely are called to be faithful to God’s Word and parent our children well. And we should wholeheartedly dedicate ourselves to the weighty and serious task. 

But God writes the story. God. Not me. And part of this excruciating parenting journey is looking into the beautiful, trusting eyes of my precious children and know that someday the love and bond we are building could be my undoing. It is so hard to give them to God. To surrender my need for control over to Him. My oldest is 11, and I tremble for the future possibilities, until...

I remember my God. 

“My thoughts are not your thoughts...”

“My word...shall not return to me empty...”

“I have come to SEEK and to save...”

The lost sheep

The lost coin

The prodigal son

The God who relentlessly pursued me. Who saved me despite my thinking I could do a pretty good job of it on my own. Oh my pride, my pride. And yet He loved me. 

The record of His faithfulness. 

The devotion to His own glory. 

And these lessons that He continues to bring me back to - Surrender. Humility. Submission. Relaxing in His plan - they apply to my parenting, too. And maybe someday it won’t be so scary, because I will have learned the lesson or set aside my pride or whatever it is I need to learn. But I kind of think that won’t be until I am with Him, to be honest. Because every day, I still fight for control. I still hold my breath in uncertainty.

I’m gradually learning that not only must I surrender my will and plans for my own life, but I must offer my plans and dreams for their lives too, and entrust them to a Good Father who is more than capable of writing their stories, His way. And I get a front row seat. 

There will be joy. There already has been. There will be pain, because of a broken world. Because in spite of our efforts, we can’t choose, or control, or will, or formulate our children. 

Let’s stop taking the credit, and let’s stop assigning blame. Celebrate faithfulness. Encourage young parents to stay the course. Give them tips, if they want them, or need them. Be teachable. Accept the wisdom of others. Walk with each other in the trenches, pray for each other and our kids. Beg God to calm our anxious hearts. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. And at the end of the day, trust in the faithfulness of God. Without Him, we can do nothing. 

In Spring

We've continued our tradition of update letters in Spring, instead of at Christmas. Enjoy the e-version!

Hallelujah! He is Risen!

We are so thankful for the promises of God that have continued to prove true for His Church! We have seen His faithfulness to us this year as well, in many very personal ways. Here is a snippet of what He has been doing in our family since we last sent a letter!

We celebrated fourteen years of marriage this December, and rejoice in God’s goodness and graciousness to us. We are enjoying every day together! We’ve been continuing the slow process of home improvements, have been able to take a couple of short “vacation” trips this year and are enjoying watching our kids grow. Our Trivet + Board business continues to be a creative outlet! We have been encouraged to be able to make some measurable forward motion in a couple of areas of our family life that we have been trying to be more intentional about – and that is a huge blessing.

Michael continues to work with Bright Construction; he is well into his fourteenth year! He’s also continuing to lead the junior high ministry at our church, both the youth group program on Sundays, and small group that meets midweek. We have been able to join an adult Sunday School class as the youth group has combined for Sunday School, which has been a blessing to us both in the reduced teaching load and in enjoying fellowship with other adults! He’s also serving as a deacon this year! Jenny is homeschooling Cadence (Kindergarten) and caring for Amos during the days, organizing our family calendar and enjoying all the ages and stages of the kids, and a couple of nights a week, dons the alter ego of “grocery fairy,” shopping and delivering groceries for Shipt in our town. After a couple of years of health issues, it has been wonderful to begin feeling well and start getting back to “normal.”


Aaron is 11 and in 5th grade, enjoying his second year of traditional school at a small Christian school nearby. He played soccer, volleyball, and basketball with his school this year and has enjoyed every bit of it! He’s growing in his concern and care for others and in his overall maturity, which is so encouraging to us! He’s a huge help with projects, and mows our grass like a boss! He was excited to win 1st place in speed and 2nd place in design for the 5th/6th category with his AWANA Grand Prix car this year!  

Evan is 9 and in 3rd grade at traditional school with Aaron, and very much enjoys reading. He easily gets lost in a story, and is very creative in his own story telling, entertaining us often. Evan enjoyed playing basketball this year and also participated in the AWANA Grand Prix for the first time, taking second place in the 3rd/4th category in design for his Herbie car! We enjoy watching Evan grow up and are encouraged to see his heart for God grow along with his knowledge.

Cadey is 6 and home with mom for Kindergarten this year. She’s one hundred percent spunky, with some sparkles and rainbows thrown in for good measure. She is such a hard worker when she puts her mind to it! She enjoys reading, imagination play, and especially creating art of all kinds! We have had a great year together and she is making huge progress in her reading. We’ve also enjoyed taking little day trips for hands on learning, and she has formed a very special bond with her baby brother. 

Amos will turn 3 in July, which seems way too fast! He delights all of us with his expanding vocabulary and quick smiles and is getting into his fair share of mischief as he navigates what this world looks like and what his boundaries are. He is a wonderful blessing to our whole family, and it’s really been amazing to watch how he’s softened and brightened the family dynamic.
We hope that as you celebrate Easter, your hope will be in the One who will one day make all things new. 

Much love to you all,
Michael & Jenny, Aaron, Evan, Cadence & Amos Muth


PS – if you would like to pray for our family, we would really appreciate it! We need wisdom with some decisions we will be making with our finances, for direction for our family both in areas of ministry and occupation, and for wisdom in our parenting! As we are seeing marriages crumble around us, please pray that God would protect and keep our marriage strong! We would also love prayer for our kids, that they would seek God with their whole hearts. We are also seeking for answers in regard to Evan’s absence epilepsy, which he was diagnosed with 2 years ago. There are some issues popping up and we need wisdom to know how to help him. We are confident that when we ask for wisdom, God can and will provide it for us! (James 1:5)

Two Years in the Dark and Dusk

About two years ago, a little more, I sat in my GP's office and looked at her through tears.

I was depressed, unable to deal with "normal" things in my life, suffering from panic attacks, and worst of all, feeling guilty about all of it.

NOTHING in my life was bad. I had a gorgeous 3 month old baby, 3 other healthy and amazing children, a loving husband and and awesome marriage. I also had a supportive moms group, an amazing homeschool community, a church family at the ready to come to our assistance at any crisis, and family that was always, always there and more friends than anyone should be allowed to have. Most of all, I had a solid faith in, and vibrant relationship with, my God who never changes. I was SUPPORTED.

I had absolutely zero reasons to be depressed - except postpartum hormones. And I wanted them fixed. But the doctor had no answers, and she offered me some medicine to deal with the symptoms. I tried the medicine, but I have low blood pressure naturally and the medicine lowered my blood pressure even further to the point of blackouts and dizzy spells. So that was off the table.

I didn't know who to call (for a variety of reasons that I will not go into) for counseling.

So I continued the only way I knew how - one step at a time. My reality was waking in the night with panic attacks, covered with sweat, heart racing and pained, unable to breathe, and unable to sleep when it was over. During the day, I was hiding from the children when I knew a panic attack was coming, locking the door behind me and praying through the symptoms, trying to think rationally and repeating to myself that this was a panic attack and I would get through it, and that I was not dying.

But honestly, a little piece of me was, because I was afraid to go anywhere that I was with my children alone, I was paralyzed by the knowledge that at literally any second, a panic attack could strike, and what if I couldn't hide it from the kids. It was scary enough to suffer through them but how could I explain it to my babies? Or take care of my babies during an attack? How could I explain it to strangers? Or what if one of them called 911? So we stayed home.

I visited several natural doctors, one of which suggested a hormone balancing supplement that contained gluten (which caused 3 days of agony) and for which no substitute existed. The other one suggested I get more sleep and rest, and ordered expensive testing that may or may not give answers. The panic attacks and new baby nixed the "extra sleep" idea, and I decided to forgo the expensive testing. I read pages and pages of articles about postpartum depression and hormones and natural methods for hormone balancing. I continued my THM way of eating, hoping that the lack of sugar would at least keep the symptoms somewhat at bay, or at least allow my body to heal faster. I tried essential oils, supplements, and potions. Nothing really helped. Some things just simply take TIME.

I'm only detailing these struggles because IT. WAS. SO. REAL. And so hard.

Today, it's been about 10 months since my last panic attack, but they were full force, 3+ times/week up until then. I think it's important to note that to the best of my knowledge, these panic attacks were random and without trigger. They were not because of a lack of faith or trust in God. The root of the issue was hormones. I mean, there was more to it than that, our endocrine systems are a glorious and horrifying mystery - but I journaled the situations around the attacks and there was no seeming connection.

I talked to a friend a couple of weeks ago who asked how I was doing. My response was, "OH so much better!" and she was so glad, and asked what I did to help. I pondered that. And laughed a little - "Well, I...I suffered through it, prayed for healing, cried a lot, and waited. And I watched YouTube videos to learn coping mechanisms for dealing with panic attacks."

But the truth is, I also let go of a lot of things. We made the absolutely heartwrenching (at the time) decision to put the boys in school. God provided the perfect solution for us at the exact right time. They are in school for a second year. I don't know if it will be right for us forever, but it is right for us for now. During the years of waiting for the dawn of this healthier time, I learned a lot about hormones and sleep patterns and a lot about myself and my God. I learned in a very tiny way about suffering. There are so many others who suffer more, suffer longer, suffer better than I, but God had lessons for me in my relatively small struggle.

Anyway, that is all background. For this:

The first doctor I talked to mentioned how stress has a "bad" connotation, as in "I'm stressed about a lack of _____ or the pressures of ________" but that good things in our lives can be stress too. Stress is really just too much brain stimulation. Too many instances where adrenaline kicks in can take a huge toll. She mentioned the idea that we have so much fast paced technological stimuli coming at us every single day JUST ON OUR PHONES and we expect our brains and bodies to cope with that as if it's normal. Then add in "real life" and it quickly becomes overwhelming, especially with kids who have complicated schedules and multiple activities, and/or kids who are waking up in the night, or who are constantly needing to be rescued from outlets, busy roads, and other toddler tendencies. We are constantly, constantly multitasking; asking our brains to push to the absolute max without relenting. The expectation from ourselves (and from our society!) is that we should just be able to bounce back from the stimuli and be resilient!

She mentioned that God created the day for work and the night for rest but we are constantly on "go" from before dawn to past midnight and expect our fallible bodies to just deal with it. As she spoke, my heart resonated a big, giant YES to these things. And so it has stuck with me. I'm still learning to let go and learning to say no and guarding my heart from false guilt and expectations that are Other than God's expectations. I'm learning to discern when I'm acting on my own ambitions apart from God's plans. I will never be perfect at this, but it is the best lesson that has come from my years in the dark and dusk.

So if you're feeling on edge today, and Facebook is getting overwhelming, step away. If you can't watch the evening news for awhile, it's OK. If there's a way for you to slow down, do it. Read a book instead of watching a video. Put your phone in time out, even just for a couple of hours. Close your eyes for a few minutes this afternoon. Say no when you can. Breathe. Take a walk without multitasking. Delegate. Let go. Find a substitute. Enjoy the sunset. Watch the stars. God put them there to remind you of Him. Be still, be dependent. It's more than OK; it is good.

We are created to work for God's glory and to learn of our dependence on Him by honoring His design for our bodies in our times of rest. It is more than OK to rest and thank God for His gracious gift of human limitations. May He be glorified.

Upon the Anniversary of my Graduation

Twenty years ago, June 6th, I donned a white cotton dress and white pumps, put on my white cap and gown and flung a golden cord around my neck. It was about 95 humid and smelly degrees in the carpeted gym that was crowded with people there to witness our milestone - graduation from high school.

That night, I was filled with many emotions. I'd been with the same group of peers since the tender age of four, and I wasn't in a hurry to leave them. We had become family.  I also had quite a bit of excitement and nervous anticipation about the next chapter of my life. I'm certain it was the most conflicted I had been, EVER. The FUTURE and my potential to accomplish much was an intoxicating combination. Overwhelmingly, I wanted this: to make a difference.

If I could go back, I wouldn't. I wouldn't inform my seventeen year old self of all the sweet (and bitter) lessons that only the years could teach me. I wouldn't change anything because each of my missteps and hard falls and successes have been woven in now, and are part of my story. And God is going to keep working it together for my good, and His glory.

So off I went, to explore the world, experience life on "my own." And I was determined above all that I was going to make a difference, fight dragons, be a strong woman, experience exotic adventures, be used by God.

And time flew by. Twenty years later, here's what I'm beginning to see:

I'm learning that sometimes making a difference is just about plodding along, clinging to the hope that God will accomplish the good. I can't do it anyway, because I am completely empty. Not "completely empty" in a nice shiny sermon illustration kind of way, but in the sitting-on-the-laundry-room-floor-hiding-and-crying-that-ugly-cry-again kind of way. I'm beginning to see that it's more about how God makes a difference in me and less about my claim to world-changing powers. I need continual overhauls.  Most recently, I'm breaking up with the idea of "control" but that is another post for another day.

My expectations have been my biggest dragon to fight. I have learned that not all calls are glory and spotlight. That the place God uses me is His call, not mine. That call to "full time ministry" I thought I had in high school? It ended up being more about how I wanted people to see me then, and in my imaginary future, and less about how I wanted to be before God. I've been fighting dragons, all right, but not how I thought I would!

Being a strong woman is a noble aspiration. Women have been greatly used by God many times through the Bible and history. In my youth, I rolled my eyes many times at the "delicate flowers" that adorned the pages of novels, or were held up as model Christian women (and OK I still do, a little bit...and sometimes, maybe a lot). But strength is not what I thought it was either. I am strong not because of who I am, or what I have the right to accomplish, or even what I have the grit to endure.I don't have any of those things without Him.

Exotic adventures? I don't even have a passport. Maybe sometime in the NEXT twenty years. 😊 I have had some pretty great domestic adventures, and I'm enjoying the story God is writing! It's much better for me than anything I could have come up with! But to many, I'm sure my life just looks pretty ordinary.

Sometimes, in fact, MOST of the time, being used by God looks very ordinary. Ordinary like going to work and doing the job faithfully. Ordinary like preparing lesson plans. Or doing laundry, or feeding hungry little and big people, again, or smiling at a stranger, or being a friend. Or crying out to God on the laundry room floor asking Him to increase your faith. And watching Him do it.

You know, I changed my mind. I would tell my seventeen year old self something. I would tell her not to underestimate the ordinary. I would tell her that if she continues in it, patient in hope, that the beauty in the ordinary will absolutely take her breath away.

Happy 20th anniversary on my graduation to me, and the entire class of 1997. It's been a really quick, sometimes agonizing, mostly good, really ordinary twenty years.

Happy Easter! (our annual update letter)

Note: We're going against the grain, again, and just last week sent out our second annual non-Christmastime update letter. Maybe we'll start a trend, but this time of year is much more manageable for us to get the letters out. Feel free to email if you'd like to be added to our annual mailing list, but here's the e-version too. 😊

Typically, update letters and photos come at Christmastime, as we celebrate the birth of Christ. This year, ours comes as we celebrate His resurrection! What an exciting time of the year! Christ Is Risen and ALIVE! We celebrate our new life made possible by Jesus, through faith, and because of His grace. And of course, we hope our update letter finds you well, and also rejoicing!

This year has been one of many firsts and new beginnings for us, while many things remained the same. Michael has continued working for Bright Construction, and in his “spare time” is enjoying the opportunity to create cutting boards and trivets (mostly) in the shape of Michigan for our business, Trivet + Board. The growth there has been astounding to us, and we are so grateful for God’s blessing on our venture. We have a full summer/fall show schedule and are excited to see what the future brings!

After homeschooling for 7 years, we put Aaron and Evan in a small Christian school, where they have adjusted and blossomed. We are taking the schooling decisions one year at a time, as always, but are so grateful that God led us to this school for this time in our lives. Evan is 8, and his favorite subject is Art, and he is a prolific writer and illustrator with a collection of his own books. He also keeps us laughing with his creative videos. Both boys have enjoyed playing basketball at the school, and Aaron also played volleyball and is running track this spring. Aaron (10) enjoys Math and Science, as well as Technology classes at school. He’s enjoying time with his friends and has started his own paracord business making and selling paracord bracelets and keychains. It’s great to watch his entrepreneurial spirit and creativity. We are so thankful that both boys continue to grow spiritually and it is neat to watch God soften and change their hearts and mature them. Evan plans to be baptized this May and is very excited about it.

Jenny has been dealing with some health problems and has seen some improvement but it seems like it may be a slow process. God is directing and giving wisdom, and is faithful. She is homeschooling Cadence (5) and tutoring for our local Classical Conversations group, and of course running after Amos, who is an astounding 21 months old. He’s a funny little guy with a BIG personality and growing vocabulary. He loves to play with his siblings and listen to books. Cadey also enjoys listening to stories and learning to read, coloring pictures, art, music, playing outside as much as possible, and anything with glitter, sparkles, and/or rainbows. J She also has a tender heart toward spiritual things and a strong faith even at this early age.

We continue to keep busy as a family with the junior high youth group at church, spending time fixing up our fixer-upper, and art & craft shows (as mentioned). We also have enjoyed taking advantage of some fun local activities as a family this Spring! We’re thankful Jenny’s parents live nearby and anticipate spending more time over there this summer helping renovate their rental property. Dad Forbes is retiring at the end of the school year after 43 years in Christian education! We are so thankful for his faithful service and are looking forward to what God has for him in the coming years. (We are pretty excited to hang out with him more, too!)

This year has been one of many new things, but through the changes and challenges, our GOD remains faithful. He is our Savior and sustainer, and we rest in His trustworthiness and celebrate His provision for our family!

Much Love to you,

Michael & Jenny, Aaron, Evan, Cadence & Amos Muth

A story of grace (and happy, happy anniversary #13)

Back when I was in college, I traveled for two summers representing Northland at churches and schools, and we'd stay with families overnight. I am TERRIBLE at making small talk, so I had a few questions prepared to avoid awkward silences. And, I used to ask the people who'd been married for many years the secret to a happy and long marriage. Often, I got these answers: 

Have a sense of humor, and laugh together a lot. 

Put the other person's happiness above your own. 

Be quick to forgive.

Stay committed. 

I tucked those words away for later - expecting, perhaps, MUCH later.


It was a series of Very Providential Events. It was Spring of my senior year of college, and I had a very exciting prospect for employment after graduation. I was going to be a world traveling adventurous woman. I was deep into the process of going to Vienna, Austria to teach music in an international school. However, God orchestrated a halt to that process, and I ended up with no teaching job. An offer of employment at Northland in the Admissions department presented itself, with room and board paid, and additional options to take free classes, and I agreed. 

I ended up with a roommate from Colorado, Autumn! I was very excited to be staying with her, and we had so much fun. Most of the people I'd known closely had graduated and left. But two of my closer friends remained, friends I'd traveled with two different summers, Tim and Andrew. They lived off campus with two other guys who were all in their senior year. We all went to the same church, and I knew Jim from music ed classes and Michael from church, and around campus. Tim's fiance Sarah was a dorm student, and my roommate Autumn had grown up with Michael in Colorado, so the three of us girls found ourselves over at the guys' house pretty often on the weekends, along with a huge group of other friends looking for a non-dorm place to hang out, eat, watch movies, do laundry, etc. 

Tim and a few others planned a road trip with a van full of friends to visit a former professor who had moved to Iowa, and I was invited along. I sat next to Michael the entire time and we chatted about a LOT of basics - just getting to know each other, family backgrounds, likes and dislikes, and it was pretty fun! I knew at this point that Michael was a great guy that I wanted to be better friends with for sure. We laughed a lot.

When we got back, I was approached about auditioning for a play. I remember I was nervous about taking the role because the director had told me that I'd be working a lot with the main actor - and that guy was none other than Michael Muth! I remember wrestling with the decision (which seems so so silly now) because I didn't want to manipulate circumstances to my advantage in order to get to know him better. It was serious stuff back then. But I did take the role, as HIS MOM. So funny now. We did have a LOT of rehearsals, much of the play was dialogue that involved the two of us. Many rehearsals with just us and the director, and it was great to work together. We did definitely get to know each other better!  

After the play, we kept hanging out with the group of friends, including Tim and Andrew, who, unbeknownst to me, were trying to work magic and wizardry to bring the two of us together! So, winter came and we went to our respective homes for 5 weeks of Christmas break, having exchanged email addresses. We kept in touch almost every day that break, and when we returned to campus mid-January, I expected to see him a little bit more, but he took his time and stayed away. (I admit, I was a little confused but trying super hard to be cool about it!)

In February, we had a talk. He apologized for his silence and said he'd like to keep going with our friendship which of course I was excited about, although a bit confused why the this was such a "big talk." He asked me to go with him to a concert, and I accepted. I told Autumn about it when I got back to our room and she was almost more excited than I was! She said "this is a VERY big deal" and she, knowing Michael, was right. I didn't know until much later that I was the first girl that Michael had ever asked out on any type of date. Not because he was socially awkward, ha! And it definitely wasn't a lack of interest from girls toward him (oh the stories I could tell!). It was because, growing up as one of six siblings, he had watched a lot of broken hearts happen and he'd decided on his own as a young teen not to date casually. He thought this would be a good way to not build up expectations and avoid heartache. So the asking was more of a commitment than I knew - which was probably a very good thing - I am not good under pressure! I kind of treated it like a casual date!

Fast forward to April, and Michael was driving me back to campus - I was teaching him to drive stick shift in my Mazda and - the conversation went something like, "I think we've been dating for awhile..." and much laughter. We had some serious discussions several times after that about marriage, and timing - he mentioned an October wedding and I panicked a little - OK a lot - and said MAYBE December (I had always wanted a Christmas wedding). I invited him home with me for Spring Break, and we told my parents that we were in it for the long haul. We were engaged on my birthday in August and set the date - December 20! Less than a year after our first official date. 

And 13 years ago today, as I read my vows, I thought I was head over heels in love, as in love as I'd ever be. And boy was I wrong.

It was just the tip of the (glorious) iceberg.


Michael makes it easy to follow those bits of advice from long-married couples. He is so easy to laugh with; life is never dull. His unselfish service to our family makes it easy to want to make his happiness a priority. We wrote our own vows and as I watched our wedding DVD again, I was impressed with his maturity as a 23 year old, promising in front of God and everyone that he would leave no option for divorce. You don't often hear the word "divorce" at a wedding, but he went there!!  I definitely got the best husband and the most perfect one for me. I am continuously out-loved and out-served. I keep trying, but he always wins!

And I say it's Michael, but it's really GOD, and His blessing of grace. He gives the grace to sustain us, on the hard days, through the storms, through the real life struggles of frustration with each other and parenting these four kids - we have been given, and schedules and ministry and finances and oops I forgot to do that again and breakdowns in many categories - emotional, mental and physical. God's grace is what keeps us going, and keeps us growing more deeply in love. He holds us together, with the same power He uses to hold the world together. And that is a humbling realization. We point to Him in awe.

So. On this day - Happy Anniversary to us! Glad to be standing together for 13 years! Amazing. I'm so overwhelmed with thankfulness. Here's to celebrating as many anniversaries as we are given!! (I not-so-secretly hope it's at least 60 more!)

Simplicity (and a song in my heart.)

I like to keep things simple - my wardrobe, my schedule, my to-do list. I walked down the aisle at my wedding to the folk tune "Simple Gifts." I buy two of most things so I don't have to shop for awhile. I don't enjoy conflict or confrontation. I don't thrive on drama (unless it's on stage!). When I find articles of clothing that work, I stock up or write down the style number so I have a no-brainer choice the next time.You could say I'm not a huge fan of change (you'd be right). Conversely, I also love surprises, colors, and adventures. And I love trying new foods. So I'm not totally boring. HA. I'm pretty boring.

Knowing all this, God decided to give us each other, four kids, a fixer upper, and a ministry outlet with a bunch of energetic middle school people (and the grace to love it all). He decided to throw in a little uncertainty over the future, gifts, losses, some twists and turns, ups and downs, and a whole lot of learning from our mistakes.

And, He made a way to keep it simple.

"Trust Me."

This life, in general, isn't all that simple. And yet, it is. It's heartache and loss, euphoria and happy endings, confusion, fear, uncertainty, joy, pleasure, contentment. It's everything. And it's nothing. And the only One who can make it all work together is the One who has had it all planned from the beginning. There is nothing for me to control, nothing for me to stress about. I have one job.

Trust Him.

And after the trusting, more things will come. The rejoicing, the satisfaction, the peace. I don't always remember this. And so, songs like this help. It has become the song in my heart, the sermon I sing to myself daily (or more as needed). Click the link to listen (and sing a sermon to yourself, if you like).

"My Worth is Not in What I Own"

My worth is not in what I own
Not in the strength of flesh and bone
But in the costly wounds of love
At the cross

My worth is not in skill or name
In win or lose, in pride or shame
But in the blood of Christ that flowed
At the cross

Refrain:
I rejoice in my Redeemer,
Greatest treasure, wellspring of my soul
I will trust in Him, no other
My soul is satisfied in Him alone

As summer flowers we fade and die
Fame, youth and beauty hurry by
But life eternal calls to us
At the cross

I will not boast in wealth or might
Or human wisdom's fleeting light
But I will boast in knowing Christ
At the cross

(Refrain)

Two wonders here now I confess
My worth and my unworthiness
My value fixed, my ransom paid
At the cross

--Keith & Kristyn Getty

I Can't Do It All (and other shocking revelations)

So, after homeschooling for 6+ years, my first and second born children are off to a brick and mortar school. I feel...TOTALLY conflicted.

You see, I love homeschooling. The lightbulb moments, the lesson plan making, the TOTAL CONTROL over the curriculum my children are taught, the flexible schedule, the daily interactions with the people God put in my life, and did I mention the total control over the curriculum? So why the change? One reason: God's plan.

About 2 years ago, I became pregnant with our fourth child, which was at once a surprise and a blessing beyond words. However, since that time, I've struggled intensely with anxiety, panic, and mild depression. Hormones can be wonderful and they can terrorize. I muscled through the pregnancy craziness with extra sleep, adjustments to our home school curriculum and the addition of some more independent subjects, and lots of tears. I'd never experienced panic attacks up to that point. If you haven't either, let me tell you - they are nothing to shrug at. They are awful, terrifying episodes of torture. I was waking up multiple times nightly, unable to breathe, heart racing, and inexplicably in fight or flight mode. I'd take laps around the house, worried that something was wrong with the kids or the baby. I'd always been able to trust my instincts and "gut" and this was playing games with my head in a big way.

I thought maybe this "stuff" was a result of our previous losses during pregnancy and that maybe I was internalizing them. I thought, "surely it will get better after the first trimester and I'm past the most common time of miscarriage," and then when it didn't get better, I thought, "I'll feel better when the baby gets big enough to survive on the outside," but the 28 week mark passed and it didn't get any better. "Maybe when the baby is born," I thought, and then, "when I can get through these six weeks of intense sleep deprivation." But, here we are at just over a year postpartum and guess what? I'm still messed up. Irrational thoughts, anxiety, panic. So, I'm on the path to healing, to seeking some opinions and medical treatment, and praying that it will get better, eventually.

We, by God's grace, made it through the school year last year, finally finishing our pared-down-to-the-basics curriculum by mid-July. I was exhausted just THINKING about school for next year, but wearily scrambled to put together my curriculum for the coming year as my school room became more and more crowded with papers, craft projects, origami creations, and dust. I was trying to survive "AND THRIVE" of course, but thinking about trying to home school with an active toddler and a 4 year old desperately wanting to learn to read and thinking about managing the four kids (and educating three!) and the house, and additionally stressed out about other things beyond our control - well. Definitely Not Helping in the mental health arena.

But I would sit and ponder - what are my options? I REALLY wanted a university model school - 2 or 3 days with friends and a teacher, and the rest of the week at home. (I *still* think this would be an excellent fit for us!) I know many people use the public schools and it is a wonderful experience for them, but for our family, it isn't a good fit. I'm NOT saying that to be judgemental, and you'll just have to take my word for it! Anyhow, the elementary school down the street was not on my list of options.

We have a school attached to our church, but that wasn't an option either, mostly because we can't afford to pay more for schooling than we do for housing, and I know (because I went there and taught there) that there are tons of hidden costs when you add in uniforms and fees. Adding that huge reason of simple economics with a few other reasons, it wasn't really a good fit for our family either. Strike two. There is a charter school that I've heard great things about, and I looked into that one also, but it is quite a drive from our house - almost half an hour each way, so also not a good fit. Third strike. My panic built as I began to look into maybe a video school option, checked on some co-ops in our area, began talking with other moms about student swapping a few days a week. I was scraping the bottom. I felt that my only real option was to simplify and press on.

Then a friend moved to our area and found a small parochial school with intensely subsidized (by the church who started it) tuition. I mean, neither one of us could believe how reasonable it was. As in, compatible with my homeschooling budget. And they had extra classes like PE, Technology, Music, Spanish and Art, and sports opportunities and - SMALL CLASSES. And it is a school whose desire it is to teach every subject through the lense of Scripture. My friend's kids who had only ever been homeschooled "just happen" to be in the same grades as my boys...so we scheduled a visit. And then we prayed. And cried. And decided. And cried some more.

And two weeks ago, we quietly had our first day of school. I posted no first day of school photos on social media, because we're super involved at church and I didn't want anyone to think that we don't support the academy attached to the church. I didn't want to be "in your face" about this choice we had made. And I didn't want to feel even more defeated by the looks of surprise (or heaven help me, judgement) - remember that school attached to our church? I'm an alumni - K4-12th grade. My dad still teaches there. Awkward. (By the way, my parents are SO amazing. Supportive of us and this and just so so wonderful. They are treasures.)

The bottom line is, I can't do it all. I need help right now. This year has to be about prioritizing my health so I can be better for my family. One year in school, we told the boys. Enjoy it to the max, or endure it well. Our plan is to be back to homeschooling next year, because it is an important part of our family. I miss my boys. I am also enjoying my littles in a way I wouldn't be able to if everyone was together. There are good things and bad things. Equal parts wonderful and awful. The boys are adjusting well, I'm seeing improvements in that process every day. I still cry most of the way home from dropoff and count down the minutes until pickup. I love them so fiercely. I will admit, it is neat to see them become a little more independent, even as it tears up my mama heart. Letting go is so hard.

In the second week of school, I can hardly speak definitively. I cannot draw conclusions. I realize that I have a long way to go and a lot more lessons to learn. I have a lot of personal stuff to work through and a lot of adjustments to make to try to regain my health. It's going to be okay. God will use this year for all of us, to accomplish His awesome plan. It will make us stronger, grow us as people, as a family - and we will give Him glory. These hard choices - to do what's best even when I want things to be different - are so agonizing, but through it all, God remains steadfast and unchanging. He is my rock, my refuge, even as the storms of self-doubt, emotional instability, and wacky messed up hormones pelt me and try to beat me down.  I am so grateful for my God who does not waver.

As a post script - guess what this year's theme at the school is? God is my Rock. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

Self Reflection on (my) Entitled Kids

I want my kids to be grateful, not entitled.  Happy with what they are given, not whiny and demanding. Willing to work hard for the things they need or want in life. I think most parents would agree with these goals. Really, I do NOT want to raise kids who are lacking character, work ethic, and integrity.

However, recently I've had some experiences that opened my eyes to the facts: I am on the path to doing just that. It was easy for me to make excuses - "our kids don't have [list of latest technology] so we're good" or, "they don't have too many fancy toys, they're not spoiled," but in the little things? Oh, the choices. SO many choices, and I was shrugging it off as no big deal.

So this week? I've been reducing their choices. And you know what? Positive results, LESS complaining. This is happy. Everyone is happier. And hopefully, I'll stick to the course.

The thing is, even though I am the mom, and the authority, and realize that this is healthy, I STILL want my kids to be *happy* and so I tend to over-do the little choices. The desire for happy kids is not a problem, but ten million choices of what we are eating for lunch does not need to be part of their lives. When I do this, or any other host of choices, I make life harder for myself, and ironically, it tends to produce LESS grateful children. Or at least, that's how it works here.

It's good to do parenting checks. It's good to evaluate where we are helping our kids become better people, and where we are enabling ingratitude or laziness. Sometimes fresh ideas come from observing other parents, sometimes from self evaluation, and sometimes tough changes need to happen.

PLEASE NOTE - I know there's no formula for great kids - I know it's all about God's work and God's grace - but sometimes, it's also important to listen to Him and what He tells me to do! And then obey that!!

What do you do to make sure you are consistent at following through with changes?

The Winner!

Thanks everyone, for your participate in the book giveaway! The winner is Carrie! I'll be emailing you soon!!

Please don't forget to pick up a copy of each of Adam's books (maybe drop a hint for Mother's Day!) or buy it for a friend!!

Happy Reading!

Book Giveaway!

A long time ago, I attended school in the north woods of Wisconsin, and there met Adam Blumer, whose fiction works are some of my favorite of this genre (Christian suspense). I've done a couple of interviews (here and here) with Adam over the years, and he contacted me last week upon the release of the paperback version of his second novel, The Tenth Plague, to see if I'd be willing to host a giveaway of his e-book! 

OF COURSE!

So, if you are in the US, and interested in receiving a free copy of Adam's e-book, follow these instructions: for one entry, comment on this post to let me know what your favorite fictional genre is.  For additional entries, "Like" Adam's author page on Facebook, and help spread the word by linking this giveaway on social media!  Then leave a comment letting me know which items you have done! The giveaway closes on Monday the 2nd! Also, don't forget to check out his first book, Fatal Illusions!

Diagnosis

About a month ago, I received a call that brought both relief and dread. I'm sure many other people have gotten such calls, but it was my first and I was not prepared for the odd mix of feelings.

Our middle son, Evan, has always been a little bit spacey (in a totally endearing way), but this school year, when he was required to do a lot more (it is first grade, after all), I started to wonder if his inattention was a little bit more than just typical childhood daydreaming. I started reading up and highly suspected absence epilepsy. We went to see the family doctor, who referred us to a pediatric neurologist. At the appointment, the doctor evaluated Evan, and although he had several "absences" in her office, she didn't seem to notice - he covered very well as he has done the entire time. She ordered an EEG to rule it out completely, but was fairly confident that the result would be no epilepsy.

Well, she called after the EEG to let me know that he did, indeed, have absence epilepsy, she estimated from his test results that he has been having about 6-10 absence seizures per hour lasting up to 7 seconds. The really good news is that most kids who have a later onset (in Evan's age group) grow out of the absences around the time they hit puberty, which is excellent news.  The bad news was that he will need to be on medication to treat the seizures for a minimum of two years or until the EEG results come back clear, then we will be able to try to wean him off the meds.

Now, I will admit, I balked at the idea of medicating him. I researched and read, and the list of possible side effects was dizzying. I talked to a pharmacist friend who recommended putting the list of side effects away and giving the medication a try. I'm so glad I took his advice.

We've seen a drastic improvement in Evan already, and, while I am sure there are challenges ahead, and more tests and evaluations and things I don't even know about, I'm both happy to know how to help him and thankful that we have an answer.

The Call to Rest

"These days with kids at home pass so quickly" I've often heard, in fact so often that when I hear them in the midst of them, I admit to rolling my eyes a bit and feeling a bit like a cartoon student hearing the "blah blah blah blah" of the teacher. I have definitely repeated a mantra of, "long days, short years" as a kind of balm over the worst of days, the ones where all the plans go out the window while you hold a sobbing child, clean up messes that ought to have been avoided, make dinner again because the first one flopped. But it is sinking in, a bit.

This past summer, on the first day of a mild August, the oldest of my children turned nine. NINE. It hit me harder than I expected as I made the requested LEGO Ninjago cake, that we are halfway "done" with the race to adulthood, and in reality, probably more than halfway. With the passing of the years, more things will pass - how many themed birthday cake years will I have left?! How many discussions about his LEGO creations do I have left? It got a little emotional as I carefully layered fruit rollups over the cake man's molded body. The process took longer than expected as I took frequent breaks to tend to my one month old baby, my youngest boy.

I admit I've enjoyed the youngest in these tender months a lot more than I was able to enjoy the others - maybe because PPD interfered with my firstborn's first year, and definitely because I had multiple small busy people to tend to with my second (7yrs) and third (4yrs) born children. This fourth, born last July, my beautiful bonus in my mid thirties, has me appreciating motherhood in new ways. And it's not just that I'm appreciating the baby stage more. I'm savoring each of my children more, feeling with them, more deeply.  I'm listening better. I'm more deeply convinced that building our relationships is the most important part of our homeschool days. Even amidst the burnout, I've been learning this.

Along that line, I've been reading a fantastic book about the concept of schole, or restfulness in our school days. Not restfulness as in relaxing and laziness, but restfulness as in peace, a calm assurance, confident faithfulness to the tasks at hand. Restfulness in the creation of margin, in freedom from over-filled days. I'm really looking forward to exploring more about how this concept will allow us to deepen our understanding of our academia and our other learning experiences here. I already feel that it will definitely strengthen our relationships with each other, which is one of the reasons we've chosen homeschool. I've got some awesome kids, and each day I forward to watching them bloom. I don't want to miss it.

One of my favorite quotes so far from this book is this one: "What if, instead of trying to make the most of our time, we worked harder at savoring it? What if we were more lavish with our time and more detached from our checklists?" (Sarah MacKenzie)

Yes, what if we ceased with the multitasking and used up all of our focus on one thing? How would that transform our days?  How would I be a better mom, a better wife, if I laid aside as many distractions as possible to listen, really listen, be present and engage? I would guess it would only benefit all of us.

So with renewed vigor, we begin. We are working together as a family to simplify our lives, so that we can restfully live, at peace, with purpose, deeply. I'll keep you posted. *grin*

Burnout

I'm a woman, a wife, a mom, a teacher. I've been more things and I've had fewer titles. I'm not a stranger to sleeplessness, or frustration, or discouragement, or any number of words that seem cliche to me when I say them out loud.

And now, I'm in a season of wading through the deep waters of discouragement. There doesn't seem to be a "good" reason - my family is healthy, we have what we need, there is no crisis. My marriage is amazing. Despite those not inconsequential blessings, the little things of life have compounded, and the littlest additions or subtractions have me often melting into a puddle of uselessness and tears. I have felt like a failure at just about everything and I'm not always (or ever) sure of what to change or do to make it better.

We've hit the Spring Slump in homeschooling progress. Our parenting skills need a refresher course in consistency and an update for maturing progeny. My house is a wreck and I feel like all I do is rush around in a fog of forgetfulness and unreliability. My best efforts end up failing. I'm losing things and losing it, both very much too often. 

Today, for example, my dishes are piled up like grimy soldiers returning from who-knows-where, my dishwasher has failed to clean the ones I carefully loaded this morning. The blade is out so I can clean the filter, but I can't find the star bit I need to loosen the screen and clean it out. I've lost my gumption for this task, so the parts have been laid aside and my dishes wait for the return of my husband and the magic of his knowledge of where the tools are. It seems like a little thing, and it is, but it derailed me. Now dinner will not be ready until later, children will clamor, and all the Things That Can Possibly Go Wrong probably will. I have turned into Eeyore because one element of my carefully planned day went askew.

Tightly wound, much?

I could say "If ONLY I had more sleep" but I wouldn't trade sleep for the baby snuggles. I could say "If only I had a cleaning lady" or "If only there was a perfect school for my kids so I wouldn't have to home school" but we've made other choices that I'm mostly happy for the trade off.

Really, it's not a problem with the dishwasher, or the lack of sleep - or even the postpartum hormones that make dealing with the normal ups and downs of life seem impossible. It is my primary struggle now (and looking back, always has been) about my perception of control. It's a problem with ME and one that (as God would have it) I'm trying to help my children understand - life is NOT about me and my agenda. I do not have to be in control or even know what's coming next. I can trust my Father. Enjoy the journey, He is in charge. Easy to say, so hard to live.

It's so easy to let the dark waters get you. SO EASY to wallow in weariness. So, SO easy. My brain yells "RETREAT!! HIDE!!! INTROVERT!!!"  But Someone is drawing me out, past the failure and past my ridiculous tears - I have a Savior who calls to me, the weary one. He calls me because His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. And he wants to bear my burdens, even the littlest ones. He calls me to come, rest, not just because His sacrifice has paid for my eternal life, but because His love compels me. He is enough.

This is the struggle, to trust Him. To teach my children to trust Him. To seek to see Him at work, to purposely give thanks. To see past my struggles, to realize the temporary nature of them and ask for joy, to ask for patience, to beg Him for grace for each moment. To understand that this is how He draws me closer.

Our church has been singing this new hymn lately. I learned it a couple of years ago, but I still can't make it through without tears.


COME, LONELY HEART (Text by Chris Anderson; Tune by Greg Habegger)

Come, lonely heart, to the outsider’s Friend—
To Jesus, Who seeks out the lost.
Your cruel seclusion has come to an end;
Find welcome, find home, at the cross.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace! 
Come, lonely heart, to the outsider’s Friend;
Find welcome, find home, at the cross.

Drink, thirsty heart, of the water of life—
Of bountiful, soul-quenching grace.
The world’s broken cisterns cannot satisfy;
The Savior is what your heart craves.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace!
Drink, thirsty heart, of the water of life;
The Savior is what your heart craves.


Rest, guilty heart, in forgiveness of sin—
In pardon from shame-stirring vice.
Though Satan and sinners and conscience condemn,
Your soul may be spotless as Christ.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace! 
Rest, guilty heart, in forgiveness of sin;
Your soul may be spotless as Christ.

Joy, grateful heart, in the hope you have found—
In God, Who is seeking your praise.
Then go to the outcast, that grace may resound,
For Jesus is mighty to save.
No soul is too small for His mercy;
No sin is too great for His grace!
Joy, grateful heart, in the hope you have found,
For Jesus is mighty to save.